Tales Of Human Waste

Oh hey guys what's going on here

2007-08-01T18:22:00.000-04:00

So uh yeah, sorry guys! I haven't posted in a while, as you can see. Had some big changes in my life: got a job (at The New School), started going to school (SVA), got a girlfriend (been over seven months now), got a new apartment in Williamsburg with said girlfriend (also my brother). Basically I've been all kinds of busy, hence the lack of posts for the past year or however long it's been. This is going to change though. I'll try to update as much as possible, even though no one reads this anymore. I'm also going to delete some posts I feel are either boring or just shitty in general.

Anyways, see you guys tomorrow.

Oh man, I fuckin' swear...

2006-07-31T22:16:00.000-04:00

Okay first off, yeah I know I haven't updated in a while. I didn't have internet for basically two months and uh I kind of forgot about my blog. Hey it happens! Secondly, I told myself that I wouldn't write about my personal life but fuck it.

So I have kind of been dating this girl for a while. I wasn't particularly crazy about her but I decided that I would see where things went. Which was a really bad idea.

My first red flag should have been when we went to a bar and she told me she didn't drink. Now the only explanation for someone her age to not drink is they're either an alcoholic, or they're very religious. Considering she is covered with tattoos, I doubt it's the latter.

Second red flag was she always had these "engagements" that she had already committed to. Now it could have just been an excuse to not hangout with me, but there was something fishy about them. She just had this aura about her that she didn't want me to know what these "engagements" were.

Now, here's what should have been the red alarm. I was at her apartment, which has no fucking air conditioning. It's basically sweltering in there, so we aren't wearing much in the clothing department. I notice something though. She has scars all over the inside of her thighs and upper arms. Like, at least a hundred all together. I have dealt with this kind of situation before. She is obviously a cutter, or was.

I confronted her about it. She wouldn't tell me much about the scars, just that she used to be pretty fucked up. She used to be an alcoholic, and a druggie. Those "engagements" are rehab meetings. She's been in rehab for practically two years, and has been clean for a year and a half.

Now despite all of this evidence to the contrary I continue to see her. Which of course was very, very silly. Things were going okay, then a couple days ago she calls me, saying how she doesn't want anything romantic, it's too much pressure, she just wants to be friends. "Okay, no problem, I understand." Guess that problem's over.

Well, she calls me tonight. She wants to go out with me, that she was just feeling weird at the time she called me a couple days ago, that it was a mistake. I say that I'll think about it and call her later, I'm currently not feeling so well (Which is true, that White Castle from the other day is still bothering me).

Now I am really at a loss what to do. I'm definately not calling her back because I'm just sick of crazy people, but she is crazy and might take it the wrong way or something. And she has a pitbull. And she's fucking crazy.

I'm seriously kind of scared!

My last shit was epic.

2006-07-29T18:34:00.000-04:00

I had to kill it with a shovel.

Why I Hate Arctic Monkeys

2006-05-13T21:13:00.000-04:00

These four young chaps are members of Britain's new craze breakout smash hit band Arctic Monkeys. You might have heard of them. From left to right we have Jamie Cook on guitar, Matt Helders on drums, Alex Turner on guitar/vocals and Andy Nicholson on bass. They are sort of an amalgamation of Britain's current "it" bands, but instead of singing about politics or using tounge-in-cheek jabs and puns they sing about booze and sex and being... famous? Wait, this is their first album right? Yeah, can you say pretentious much?

Anywho, these guys formed in 2002 and started practicing in their garage or whatever. Through pure clever word of mouth though they have exploded in popularity. By June '05 they were selling out shows and had a number one single. Early in '06(I can't be bothered to look up exactly when) they released their first album "Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not" which, of course, went straight to number one. I have to admit, pretty impressive.

So why do I hate Arctic Monkeys? It's simple really. They are not good musicians! They have no talent or creativity; they are average at best. Yet this shitty band that I would expect to see playing in some skeevy dive in Jersey are in actuality triple platinum sensations. Some critics even have had the gall to call them the next Oasis. One even went so far as to say, and I quote, "the biggest band since The Beatles". The Beatles. Excuse me but are you out of your fucking mind?! To compare Arctic Monkeys to The Beatles is the equivalent of comparing Ashlee Simpson to let's say, Albert Einstein. Yeah, one is kind of okay to appreciate(secretly... from afar) but the other has made a mark on history. If you think fucking Arctic Monkeys are going to make an impact on all music hereafter you are absolutely delusional. Example: here are the lyrics to the song "The View From The Afternoon" off of Arctic Monkeys' first album:

Anticipation has a habit to set you up
For disappointment in evening entertainment but
Tonight there'll be some love
Tonight there'll be a ruckus yeah
Regardless of what's gone before

I want to see all of the things that we've already seen
Lairy girls hung out the window of a limousine
Of course it's fancy dress
And they're all looking quite full on in bunny ears and devil horns and hats

Anticipation has a habit to set you up
For disappointment in evening entertainment but
Tonight there'll be some love
Tonight there'll be a ruckus yeah
Regardless of what's gone before

I want to see all of the things that we've already seen
I want to see you take the jackpot out the fruit machine
And put it all back in
You've got to understand that you can never beat the bandit no

And she won't be surprised, no she won't be shocked
When she's pressed the star after she's pressed unlock
And there's verse and chapter sat in her inbox
And all that it says is that you've drank a lot

There's more, but it's basically the shame shit over and over. And if that's not bad enough, the song sounds like... shitty ska mixed with The Red Hot Chili Peppers with a dash of Bloc Party on top. Pretty much some sloppy power chords, a boring bass line and some drums. Man oh man, I remember when I first heard this ten years ago. There is one song I actually enjoy somewhat called "I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor" but the rest of the album is so atrocious it doesn't matter. Do yourself a favor and listen to one of the better Brit bands, like The Futureheads. Hell, even Bloc Party is better than this bollocksy shite.

But hey, what do I know? They've got to be popular for a reason!

Oh Jackie Boy!

2006-05-02T12:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if any of you heard the deal about Jack White and Coca Cola. Basically, Coke was looking to recreate the success of that catchy '71 single of theirs "I'd Like To Buy The World A Coke". You remember that? It was quite the famous commercial. Yeah, neither did I until I Googled it. Anywho, they approached Jack White to write a song for them. Jack White, being the proprietor of brand-free music and dignity that he is he declined to do it, said fuck you and punched them in the face.

Wait, what's that? He fucking accepted? Oh. What a dickbag!

In his defense Jack replied "I've been offered the opportunity to write a song in a way which interests me as a songwriter. I wouldn't want a song that I'd already written to be used... That seems strange... to be asked to write something particular along one theme of love in a worldwide form that I'm not really used to appealed to me. I've written a song and I wrote it really quickly and it's an interesting commercial that's been made. I was inspired by the commercial."

Man, what the fuck ever. It "interests you as a songwriter". You were "inspired by the commercial". Oh and of course you have to mention how quickly you wrote the song, because as we all know you are just so talented you can produce albums in 1-2 weeks. Fuck you!

Here are his inspired words of prose that he wrote in like five minutes:

One thing you'll learn you can bet
Is that love is as good as it gets
And you'll get more if you give it
It's the right thing to do, and you know it
It's inside of you, so just show it
Love is the truth (ba ba ba ba ba)
It's the right thing to do
In the arms of a mother and father
In the eyes of a son and a daughter
It's everywhere, you just have to care
It's the right thing to do, and you know it
It's inside of you, so just show it
Love is the truth (ba ba ba ba ba)
It's the right thing to do

And if you are unable to read all those confusing words(in which case you aren't reading this post in the first place you lazy shit) here is the video of the commercial:

There are just no words that can be used to describe the radness and exquisiteness of this commercial for Coca Cola! Just pure genius! And it only took him twenty seconds to write it!

Now, I'm not fucking stupid. There's nothing wrong with making some bling by writing a song for some big name company. You need money to continue making music, especially if you want to have full control over it. I like The White Stripes, I really do. I own three of their albums blah blah blah. When you're as pretentious and artsy as Jackie Boy is though, it really makes it hard for me to not say fuck you. Between punching people in the face, to cursing radio stations, to bitching about critics in the vein of a twelve-year-old on his blog and now this shit... you used to be a loveable creep but now you're just kind of a hypocritical dick. What do I know about this subject matter though, right? I mean this is my first post on my brand new blog and I'm only 21. I probably don't know jack shit(get it)! I'm just one of those "cowards" using "the faceless opinion of print and the internet" to convey my thoughts.

At least, that's what I'd like to think he'd say in his blog post after he read this.